Mom's day off

I love my kids.  I really do.  They make me laugh and smile every day and there's not a day that goes by that I don't thank Heavenly Father for giving me these precious children.  But they can also make me tired.  There are some weeks when I'm not away from them, except when they're sleeping (usually taking turns.)  I can't usually eat without having to share or get up, drive without answering questions, listen to a song on the radio without having to turn it off to take care of a problem, sleep through the night without having to make a bottle, go to the bathroom without an interruption, run an errand without preparing for the worst...sun up to sun down.  My mind is filled with my children.  What do they need?  Where are they?  Oh, she's so cute. What did she ask for?  The constant check-list of things to do.  There are very few quiet moments in my life and when I do experience them, they don't last long.  When there are too many consecutive days like this, I start to change into someone that I don't like.  I start to lose patience, and I don't enjoy my kids as much as I would like to.  I have such admiration for parents who don't struggle with this and I try so hard to be more positive, but sometimes I just need to check out and remember that I exist. 

Last week was just one of those weeks.  It was getting to me.  I was noticing all of the set-backs and frowning more than smiling.  I was yelling more than usual.  All I could think about was running away.  So, I did.  I knew that all I needed was time to myself and I could be a better mom and wife.  I couldn't think of any real reason not to go.   Only reasons I needed to go.  Of course, the voices of guilt were present.  "Your kids will need you." "This is a selfish choice"  "Other moms don't need this." "Your husband has never asked for anything like this." "You don't deserve this."  But I suppressed them, and I'm proud of that.  After all, it was only one. day.  My kids didn't even notice I was gone and nothing bad happened.   It helped that my mom used to do this every now and then when I was a kid.  I don't even remember her doing it. I've only heard her talk about it.  In this moment, I was so thankful for the example my mom and dad set for me. 

I wanted to go somewhere where I could lay out in the sun, read a book, and maybe go swimming.  Since we don't have an ocean here in Idaho, the closest thing I could find was Payette Lake.   It's only a (beautiful) 2-hour drive from Meridian.   The drive was half the fun.  Four hours on the road with no kids was a dream.  I gave performances of all my favorite musicals without having to worry about waking up a sleeping baby or answering 100 questions.  An hour into it, I was smiling, dancing, and singing my heart out. 

When I got there, I went to the Forestry Department and told them what I had in mind.  They gave me maps, advice and directions.  I chose a hike and went straight there.  The hike was a little longer than I expected, so I turned back before the end.  I ended up hiking about 5 miles.  It was so beautiful and refreshing there.  For the most part, it was amazing.  I also learned that hiking by myself freaks me out a bit.  I ended up carrying my pepper spray in my hand most of the time.  I don't really know what I thought was going to happen, or how much a can of pepper spray would help me... I'm just not used to being THAT alone.  Like, if something did happen to me, I'm not sure anyone would have heard me calling for help.  So now I know.  No more solo hiking for me.  At least I was brave enough to try, right? 

Next, I drove around the lake to the north beach.  I sat on the beach for about two hours, doing nothing but reading and listening to the water.  It was pretty hot that day, so I braved the cold water and went swimming.  No one talked to me, and I kind of loved it. 

On my way to the beach, I had noticed a kayak rental place.  As I was driving back to McCall from the beach, I thought about it for about a minute, made sure I had enough time, and turned in there to give it a try.  I can't even explain how good it felt to make a spontaneous decision like that without having to think about the consequences or consult another person.  I've never used a kayak and had no idea where to go or what I was doing, but I just asked and they told me.  The river was so calm, peaceful and quiet.  It was heavenly.  I wished I could have my family there with me, but then remembered that there's no way I could have done this with them... So I'm just going to tuck it away for a time when my kids are old enough to paddle on their own.  

I took the kayak back, then drove back to McCall.  I walked around for a while, trying to find a place to eat that wasn't $20 a plate.  I met a nice couple who directed me to the Mile High Marina, where they had $10 fish tacos.  I picked a seat outside where I could sit and watch the boats come in from the lake.  And ate by myself.  

When I didn't think my day could get any better, upon my arrival home, Cody had the kids in bed, dishes done, laundry ALL done and folded, and the house clean.  He had a super day with the kids and gave me absolutely nothing to worry about.  I love him for being so normal and cool about this, and for going above and beyond while I was gone.  After this whole thing, I really did feel so much better.  Lighter, happier, positive, thankful, loved, empowered.  It seems strange that one day could do so much for me, while my kids' lives just went on as usual back at home.  All the more reason to do this more.